"Things You Can't Do on a Plane": The complete archive

Things You Can't Do on a Plane: Vol. 24

You might think that after Volume 1, Volume 2, Volume 3, Volume 4, Volume 5, Volume 6, Volume 7, Volume 8,Volume 9, Volume 10, Volume 11, Volume 12, Volume 13, Volume 14, Volume 15, Volume 16, Volume 17, Volume 18, Volume 19, Volume 20, Volume 21, Volume 22 and Volume 23 of Things You Can't Do on a Plane, that we'd have exhausted the list of things you can't do on a plane. Nope! The list grows daily.

Here are three more things I've recently learned that you cannot do on a plane:

• Remove sex toys from a passenger's luggage and tape them to the outside of their bag (for airline baggage handlers). Baggage handlers may not remove a private sex toy from a passenger's bag, cover it in a greasy foul-smelling substance, and tape it prominently to the top of the bag. CONSEQUENCE: Airline will face a lawsuit seeking punitive damages for intentional infliction of emotional distress, invasion of privacy and negligence.

• Fight a fellow passenger for reclining his seat.  Passengers may not slap the passenger in front of them in the head for reclining back in his seat during the meal service, and follow that up by fighting that passenger in the aisle. CONSEQUENCE: Passenger will be restrained using plastic straps until the plane lands and then arrested. 

• Phone in a fake terror threat to get even with your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend. Ex-boyfriends caught in a love triangle may not call airport police and claim that the new boyfriend iscarrying liquid explosives onboard the plane.CONSEQUENCE: Ex-boyfriend will be charged with "conveying false information that interfered with aviation" and face up to 10 years in prison and possible restitution.